Expectations

Imagine you're driving.  Or walking.  Or traveling by giraffe.  Whatever it is, you come to a turn and you're not sure which way to go.  You go left thinking it will get you to where you want to go.  After a while it doesn't seem right so you make another turn.  You keep making turns that try to get you to where you want to go and end up in a place you really don't want to be.

Actually, don't do this.

This was very transparently a metaphor for life.  Or my life.  I had made so many small decisions that lead me to unhappiness.  It becomes easy when you have this long distance goal; there's so many turns!

I switched from veterinary technician role to student role pretty easily enough.  I'd been in schools for a long time and knew the rules.  I went to class every day to soak up lectures.  I tried to engage professors.  I did the required and recommended reading.  I bought the textbooks and course notes.  I spent hours in the library.  I stayed open to the school community and attempted to make my contribution.  

Here's a better idea.

After a while though, I felt uncomfortable at school.  I felt apprehensive walking in.  I'd talk about the things that annoyed me there excessively.  Then I started getting angry and frustrated.  I expected vet school to be intellectually challenging.  I expected to be surrounded by like-minded individuals who were as passionate about animal advocation and welfare as I was.  I thought professors would be good educators and professional.  I was paying a lot to be there and a lot would be required of me when I was a doctor so I expected my expectations to be met.

When things began effecting my personal relationships, I admitted there was a problem.  I bashed my way angrily through another semester though and crash landed into winter break.  I took some time doing things I had 'wanted' to do when I was in school but they felt a bit hollow.  Time with family was good and then Emma and I were off to Atlanta for a wedding with friends.

While there, along with playing the ceremony in sari and kurta and eating enough Indian food to give a horse colic, getting to spend time with my friends was what I needed.  I laughed more than I had all year.  I told stories and shared how I felt without having to worry about how it might affect my educational standing.  It reminded me who I had been.  Who I was.

You like that table?

I didn't realize all those wrong turns I was making to try to make school work had led me away from myself.  I was adhering strictly to my values but it was hanging me up.  I find that values act like layers of swiss cheese stacked together.  Before making a decision, I have to run it through all the layers and if the holes line up, the decision feels genuine.  If not, I can't do it.  The situation at vet school was blocking so many things and wasn't allowing me to be me.  I was being nothing.  With little power as a student, I didn't feel empowered to change things.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I want to be a doctor now more than ever.  I want to change the education system through research.  (I can tell you more about this later if you have a few hours!  Maybe a day.)  I want to be a compassionate doctor and reduce animal suffering.  I want to educate educators.  

All of this is to say, I've been 'making major changes to the life I've been living.'  I treat vet school as if it's an online school.  I watch my lectures from home or the coffee shop taking notes without the loud distractions of the lecture hall.  I work when I want to.  I pet the dog when I want to.  I take breaks that are not in the crowded library.  I attend labs and don't feel bogged down by hours of lectures.  I'm open to adapt the plan, but I haven't felt this good about school and myself since I started.

This is also the reason to do the Great Divide.  I miss a sense of immediate accomplishment and pushing myself physically.  I miss being outside every day.  I don't want to worry about all the stuff in life that can get in the way.  I want to be free and I want to be with my favorite person all day every day even if it's just for a month.

Eyes on the prize.